Recently I realized that I kind of stop noticing Brendan when I come home at the end of my day. I don’t mean that I totally forget I am married or anything, but I stopped asking “How was your day?” or greeting him like I used to.
Now, I work about 30 hours a week, give or take a few hours, and do all the other things too. Housework, grocery shop, work out, run errands, and socialize with other military spouses. So, when I come home and Brendan is already home I don’t notice him at first.
I forget to ask about the things that went on in his day that I knew were going on. For example:
I came home from work and Brendan was already home. I immediately greeted him and went on with the things I had thought about on my way home; thawing meat for dinner, washing the dishes in the sink from breakfast, switching that load of laundry I forgot about last night, the list goes on. And then all of a sudden he goes,
“Oh yeah, remember that flight I had today? It went well. And that test I had yesterday that I was stressing for, I got a 98 on.” I instantly stopped.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I totally forgot about those things.” And I walked over to the couch and sat and talked with him.
And this was definitely not the first time I had done that. And you know who is always really great about asking me about my day and the specifics, even if its right before we fall asleep? My husband.
I felt bad. I felt bad because I had made this a habit. I was completely into the things of my day and worried about trivial things. I worried about them instead of investing a few minutes into the relationship with my husband.
You may be thinking, “okay that’s no big deal. You only did it a few times and he wasn’t even mad. Whats the point?”
The point is, that is a way where our marriage could start to deteriorate. I stop thinking about what is going in my husbands day and think selfishly. I can guarantee if this went on for long enough and I stopped asking all together, about any small thing, my husband would probably feel disrespected and unimportant because guess what? He has feelings too and wants you to ask those questions to let him know you are, in fact, thinking about him and invested in the activities of his day, big or small.
Deterioration starts small and you think “no big deal, I’ll fix it later or throw it away”. Nope, fix it now. Make a habit to fix it quickly. That way you don’t have to throw it away later [your marriage].
If I let my own selfish thoughts get the best of my day, and let my husband feel pushed aside, even if its just by (not asking) a simple “How was your day today?” question, I am failing.
It sounds harsh to say “I am failing” but guess what folks? We all need to stop taking marriage so lightly. Small issues and pushed aside feelings can start embers that grow into a fire that may not be able to be put out someday.
It saddens my heart that so many marriages end in divorce now. I so understand that marriages are tough, they can suck at times, and take a lot of work and upkeep. And sometimes I feel like I don’t have the knowledge to say the things I am writing but I feel like God wants me (and a few other women I know) to be a vessel for women in marriages // especially in the military // and talk about the hard things. To get through them together.
Marriage is so hard you guys, but if you put the effort in it is SO rewarding!
So, basically what I want to say is put those embers out early. Greet each other at the door. Invest in each other. I can promise you’ll thank yourself later.
And remember to say I love you at the end of the day. We’ve made a pretty good habit of that too.
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
And please, if any of you want to talk about marriage I would love to talk with you.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….”