The last couple of months I have been focusing on not having anxiety on more of a day to day basis. Now, I am focusing on more long term goals for myself as the anxiety isn’t as apparent.
In my last therapy session we talked about some big, long term goals. Goals for myself, goals for my marriage, goals for when my Husband is deployed, goals for the next cross country move, and more.
Basically what she was telling me is I need to put that purpose back into play. To wake up each day and work for something that aligns with my God given purpose and to run with it.
The goals and things I mentioned are pipe dreams (right now). Goals like writing a book, creating a cookbook, running a half marathon (or even a full) just to name a few.
As I talked about them I realized they were things I had just thought about and never really put any action into because they scare me. The “what if?” game starts playing and then the anxiety rolls in and crashes everything. And my dream thoughts basically stop right there.
My therapist was very adamant in reminding me that all of those things listed above are actually possible and achievable. When she said that I kind of slumped back like, “Are you sure? They seem pretty big and I am not all that great at those things, yet.”
“Erin, you are so easy and open to talk about your struggles and the bad things in your life. Why aren’t you just as confident to talk about the things you’re good at and want to accomplish?”
I had never thought about it that way. It is really easy for me to talk about anxiety/depression and struggles. Why? Because its therapeutic for me and has actually helped other people in the process, it’s a win win! And because I feel like I am in control of it and overcome it.
But why can’t I list off or talk about the things I’m proud of or a title I wear with courage? Others have done that and it has helped a lot of people!
I think the reason is because I don’t give myself enough credit. I think I used to believe that I wasn’t capable of doing “big” things or achieving big dreams and goals. Other people do that, not me. Why not me? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid that I will be judged for some reason? Or that I wont finish the race? Will anxiety ruin all of it?
I am slowly training my thoughts and myself to believe God made me to do more, more than my little dreams are capable of.
I walked out of that last session feeling so motivated! On fire to work for those pipe dream goals! But then the next day… I woke up and those anxious thought took over and said, “You can’t do that. You’ll never accomplish something like that. What will you write about? No one cares enough to see you finish the race. It’s all to hard to do anyway, so just stay inside your comfort zone.”
Ugh, just writing those words makes me feel sad.
Those words aren’t true though. I mean they will be hard, any pipe dream worth accomplishing is hard work. Does that mean I shouldn’t even try? Nope, it means I should try. Even if the anxiety comes back to ruin and mess those goals up, it’s time to take them down and throw them away.
Its time to take up the confidence and know that I WILL accomplish a pipe dream goal. It’s time to take back what anxiety stole from me.
Things I am good at:
- I am really good at cooking, and getting better!
- I am a really great wife.
- I am a good writer.
- I am super proud to be a military spouse, not just anyone can do it.
- I am a loyal friend.
- I have a faith that is growing.
- I am the best dang meal planner you ever did see!
- I was born with a God given purpose and will work to see what He has in store for me.
And one more note to me and to you reading this.
Anxiety doesn’t define you.
“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead..”Philippians 3:13 NIV
Thanks for reading,
~Erin, The Short Wife